Move on
by CutieZofia
Summary: Stephanie is turned down by Ranger, claiming that she was just some whore he used. Stephanie tries to cope with the help of Lula. Don't know if this story will have a HEA. Dark. Thanks for reading.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I hope you like this, it's a darker story not with violence (at least not yet) but with more angst. I know I should finish the other story (ARB), BUT I needed to get this out of my system. So I wrote it down. I've written today non-stop for 6 hours getting this together and finishing BFE, though it's a bit lousy. The truth is that that story didn't inspire me in any way anymore but I didn't want to leave you hanging for the rest of our lives. **

**Yadda, yadda., this is not mine and sadly I'm not making any money of this etc etc**

**Thanks for reading :)**

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I had finally done it! I'm Stephanie Plum and I had just broken up with my on/off boyfriend Joe Morelli, this time for good. We had sat down on my old and beat up couch and we had talked through our issues like two adults, without raising our voices. We had come to the conclusion that what we had didn't work and that we should end both of our miseries and move on. Joe had admitted to me that he had been seeing Terry Gilman a while now, but he had only confirmed my suspicions. I had known about them for weeks now and I had already processed this information and had realized that I didn't care. Really, I didn't care, we hadn't had sex in weeks and I could see his excitement to go to work every morning. I suspected that I looked like that as well. I think we both knew that this story was over, both of us were just too afraid to take the leap out in the unknown. Joe wanted to know about me and Ranger. I told him the truth about my love for Ranger and that I believed that he might care for me as well. Joe encouraged me to talk to Ranger because he believed that Ranger loved me. I took his word for it and we parted as friends.

So that's why I'm standing in the elevator on my way to the seventh floor of Rangeman. I had stopped at fifth to see if he was in his office but had got the answer from Binkie that he was on a business trip and that he would direct him up as soon as he arrived. I didn't see any on the core team, and all the other faces were unknown for me. I said goodbye to Binkie and left to see my fate.

I used my key to enter his apartment and was immediately hit with the sweet aroma of him and his shower gel. I walked through the apartment; stopping to look at the new painting Ella had bought for him in an attempt to introduce colors into his life. I stopped in the kitchen to take a water bottle and I continued my way to the bathroom while I was playing with the cap. I made my way through his bedroom resisting the temptation on sitting on his bed and ruining the perfectly made sheets. I entered the bathroom and confirmed that I had forgotten my conditioner here. I picked it up and saw that it wasn't the only hair product bottle there. Mousses, gels and shampoos that weren't mine, and definitely not Rangers, were placed beside the mirror for easy access.

It felt like somebody was squeezing my lungs and heart together with an iron fist. He was seeing somebody else! I clutched my conditioner in my hand, forgetting the water bottle that had fell into the sink. I stumbled through to his walk in closet. His side was as neat as always but as I turned around I saw that my clothes had been thrown away and new clothes hung in their place. The clothes were expensive, Dior and Prada and McQueen and all in size 2. Definitely not for me then. I had a death grip on a beautiful blue gown as I heard the locks tumble and a shear woman's laughter ripped my heart into little, tiny fragments.

"Oh Carlos, that was so much fun!"

I rounded the corner and saw Ranger looking as gorgeous as ever and a tiny, blond supermodel on his arm. The woman was about as thick as one of my thighs. They both turned to me and glared at me as I stood motionlessly in the doorway to his bedroom still clutching my conditioner.

"I left my conditioner here last time" I said and held up the bottle for them to see. No reaction from either of them. Then the woman laughed and hugged Ranger tightly.

"Honey, who is this whore?" the woman asked Ranger with laughter in her voice as she eyed me up and down. Ranger looked at me with his blank face on and without missing a beat he answered her.

"I have no idea babe. She's probably some whore I picked up from Stark before I met you."

I died then and there. His ice cold voice and his expressionless eyes and face ripped me in half and the Stephanie he and everybody else knew disappeared. I looked in his eyes and said nothing as I walked towards him. His expression didn't change and I took a final look at his face and gave his keys to him. I rounded him and walked out of the door and left my old life behind me.

* * *

I locked my door and dragged my couch and dining room table against the door. I walked around the apartment and closed all curtains and closed my bedroom window. As soon as I was certain that nobody would get in or out I walked into the bathroom and turned the lights off and stepped into a hot bath, letting the warm water relax my muscles as I cried my heart out, making the bath water salty. I don't know how long I was there as minutes turned into hours. I let my mind go black and blank as I stared at the roof in my dark bathroom. How could I be so foolish? How could I believe that he cared about me, all those kisses and touches didn't mean anything at all? He was just fulfilling his needs and I was an idiot to believe that it was more than that. He was way out of my league, he was a millionaire and gorgeous and employed a small army of equally gorgeous men. I was just plain me, fat and incompetent in my work, needing his help every day and every evening when I was scared to go home. I was a burden on him, and I decided that moment that I wouldn't be anyone's burden anymore.

The water was cold. I noticed that I was shivering and slowly eased my aching body out of the water and turned the lights on. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a pale naked woman looking at me. Her curly hair was wet from her ears down and her skin was pale as snow up north. Her eyes were red and black mascara had left long stripes on her face. Her body was shaking; she didn't know if it was from tears or the cold, her hands clutched tightly her nails digging into her palm. She was standing in a pool of water, the polish worn out on her toe nails. It was bright red. I didn't recognize this woman; there was no spark in her eyes, no color on her cheeks. I turned my face away from the woman, taking a hairdryer and flinging it, breaking the mirror in millions of shards on the floor, the toilet and the bathtub. I watched the shards float on the water, wanting so badly to float with them. I turned around and closed the door behind me.

The feeling of emptiness was overpowering. I had to force my legs to move, I walked through the apartment, knowing that I should drink something. I opened the fridge not seeing anything. I opened the cupboard above it and reached for my tequila and poured some down my throat. It didn't take the edge off, so I drank some more. Suddenly there wasn't anything anymore in the bottle and I leaned against the counter. I saw the woman in the mirror in my hallway and enraged I threw the bottle, shattering the mirror there as well. Engulfed by rage I went on a mission, wobbling through the apartment shattering anything that reflected anything. Soon I found myself standing in the middle of my living room looking over the mess in the apartment. Every mirror was shattered, no matter how little it was, my picture frames were in pieces, the TV was broken, my stainless steel microwave oven was on the floor kicked into the corner. I was breathing heavily and stumbled into my bed with tears running down my cheeks.

* * *

I hadn't seen anyone since that night. I stayed at home, only laying in the tub, bed or couch. I didn't have the energy to eat, only nibbling on something when I really needed too; I drank only when I needed. I was still naked, weirdly enough it didn't bother me. Nothing bothered me anymore, I'd lost everything that mattered and there was nothing in this world that would move me anymore.

Lula came by every day. At first she tried to get in, threatening to shoot the door and call the cops but soon she realized that it wouldn't work. Now she only talked to me through the door, and weirdly I liked that. I sat on the floor covered with pieces of the mirror by the door, beside the table propped against the door. She talked about her life and what had happened during the day. She told me that everybody was worried. I really didn't believe that but I let her say it, not having the energy to argue. Lula's visits were helping me keep track of time, as I had busted almost all of my clocks. I sat down just as I heard her voice again.

"Hey skinny girl." If she only knew, I had probably lost more than 10 pounds.

"Hey." I said. My voice was rough because I hadn't talked since last night and then only a few words.

"How are you today?" Lula asked and I could hear the worry in her voice.

"I'm fine" I said and responded the way I had for the last few weeks. This was the way we had started these discussions every night.

"Yeah, right and I'm the tooth fairy"she responded and I could feel a small smile tug on my lips. I heard her grunt as she sat down on the floor. We were silent for a while, only enjoying the company of each other.

"I miss you white girl."

I sat silently not knowing what to say, this was the first time those words were uttered. I looked down at my toes and picked on some of my scars that I'd gotten from the glass on the floors.

"Why don't you let me help you? I owe you that much, you helped me when I dealt with Ramirez."

I remained silent. Lula had gone through so much then and I had helped her cope. Why was it so hard to move the couch to open the door and let her help me?

"Joe's worried." Lula continued. "He wants to come with me some night if that's alright with you." I didn't respond. Lula had told me a few nights ago that he and Terry were happy together and planning on getting married this June. I was happy for him, by losing my heart I had helped him mend his own.

"Please Stephanie, open the door." Lula said. "I need to see you, I need to help you. Please let me help you."

"Are you alone?" I whispered, not knowing if she heard me. I wanted to open the door and let her in but I was afraid that there was a crowd behind her, all wanting to laugh at my pathetic looks and whisk me to the hospital.

"Of course, girlfriend. Connie wanted to come but I told her not to come, same with Joe. I know that you don't want to see anybody else right now."

I stood up slowly, going dizzy from the moving. I gripped the table and dragged it back and then I pushed the couch so that I could open the door enough for Lula to squeeze herself in. I planned on pushing the couch back the moment the door closed again.

The moving of furniture was exhausting and I leaned against the door for a moment. The noise had alerted Lula and I heard that she groaned as she stood up, swearing on uncomfortable floors.

"I'm naked." I said matter of factly.

"I don't care." Lula said to me. I took a deep breath and opened the door a little and peeked out to see if she was telling the truth. The corridor was dimly lit and empty. Lula was standing in front of my door and I opened the door so that she could come in. She shimmied through the door and I closed it after her and pushed the couch in front of the door.

Lula had walked deeper into the apartment and I started to feel uncomfortable with being naked.

"Uhm, could you maybe wait in the kitchen, and I'll go get some clothes? " I asked her uncertainly and watched her smile at me and answer a "of course" as she stepped into the kitchen and I rushed to the bedroom and quickly searched for a t-shirt I could use. Rangers, Rangers, Joes… I gave up and pulled my robe on and walked back into the kitchen. Lula had sat down by the table and I sat right against her. I smiled a timid smile.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"There's glass on the floors" She said to me.

"I broke the mirrors." I answered and she smiled at me.

"You hungry?" She asked me and pulled a McDonalds bag from her huge bag and offered me a cheeseburger with Coke and fries.

I nibbled on the fries, enjoying the taste. I could feel my body craving the food, it was the first time in weeks that I'd felt something. Before I knew it I had finished my coke and fries but couldn't eat the burger. Lula ate it after she was finished with her meal of three burgers, large fries and coke.

She told me about a skip she went after and how she was able to capture him without having to take a shower afterwards. She told me about that she had found a beautiful bag at Macy's and it was a bargain at only 20 dollars. She told me that she and Tank had seen the new zombie movie and that Tank was move spooked than she was.

"How are you really?" she asked me after a moment of silence. She looked straight into my eyes and I knew that she saw the emptiness in there.

"I'm…. I'm getting there." I said to her knowing that now wasn't the time to lie.

"Care to talk about it? I promise I won't tell anyone." She took one of my hands into hers and I was shocked when I saw the contrast of our skin colors. Her hand was warm and I liked the feeling of warmth.

"I just realized the truth. " I said and looked at her. She seemed confused and I figured that I need to explain a little further. I started at the beginning, explaining my and Joe's breakup, moving on to Ranger and his new supermodel. "I was just Ranger's whore."

"He did not!" Lula said and looked very angry. "I can't believe that he said that, he's a stupid idiot!"

"But I love him." I whispered and a small tear escaped my eyes.

"Oh honey I know…" Lula whispered and handed me a tissue. "He's an asshole for not realizing what he has done. And a coward, he left the day after to Miami and nobody has seen him since. Tank said that he had some business to deal with there."

Somewhere deep inside me I cared about Ranger's trip but I couldn't really get past the fact that SHE was with him there. I'd lost my chance with him as I toyed with his heart as well as Joe's. What goes around comes around. Now neither of them was interested in me, both deciding that it was the time to move on and leave me behind. I should've decided a long time ago and not be such a coward.

"Lula, I need to move on. I need to let this behind me, I need to do something, I need to feel something!" I cried out and grasped her hands, holding on like she was my only chance of getting out of this black hole filled with quick sand.

"Don't worry girl, I'm here to help you. We're take small steps, we'll get through this I promise!" she said to me and stood up and hugged me. Her body engulfed me in warmth and I felt my heart relax a bit. Maybe this would help me. Maybe I could move on…

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_So whacha think? Leave me your thoughts and I'll be very happy :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey readers! I'm so happy about the response I got from the last chapter, you're all amazing! A few of you wondered about Ranger, but I want to focus on Steph at this time. So hopefully you'll like this chapter as well, it's a little shorter, but I just had to cut it where I did. So read and review!_

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Lula stayed for the night. We cleaned my bed and changed the sheets. She offered to sleep on the couch but I wanted to leave the sofa where it was, against the door as a barricade to stop any intruders. She just nodded when I told her that I would sleep better knowing that if somebody was coming in at least I would hear them.

"I understand you." she said to me. "I dragged my closet to the door to stop everyone after Ramirez. It feels safer"

I smiled at her and wondered what I had done to deserve such a loving friend who understood where I was right now. Emotionally unstable, standing on an edge, whatever you want to call it. She was my rock or my lifeline, standing there when I needed her and even when I didn't.

So we slept in the same bed. It felt strange but relieving in some strange way. I wasn't used to having such a large body beside me; Joe and Ranger were both smaller. Lula didn't push me, she let me have my space and I appreciated it. It felt good to have a warm body next to me, but still have some privacy. With Ranger or Joe, there was no space and back then I was happy. Now I realized that space for me was what I needed. Lula understood that without me having to say anything.

I slept better that I had in weeks, only waking up a few times, but every time Lula was there whispering soothing words to me and helping me get back to this world. The nightmares weren't so severe now; somehow the body next to me was a barricade against them. At five AM I decided that I had slept enough and headed to the bathroom. I didn't feel the glass underneath my feet anymore and I didn't event think about trying to avoid stepping on them. I did kick some of it and cleaned a little path from the door to the toilet, thinking about Lula and not wanting to hurt her too. I did my business without thinking about anything. My mind was blank not a single thought crossing my mind. I was afraid of what the day would bring with it.

Lula was making coffee when I dragged myself to the kitchen. She smiled and offered me a sandwich.

"I had some groceries with me last night as I figured you hadn't shopped." she said to me as an explanation. I took the sandwich and sat down taking a bite. Ham and cheese. The sandwich tasted good but I couldn't eat more than half of it. Lula ate the rest of it as I studied the coffee in the cup. So dark and mysterious looking like tar. I realized that I had been walking my whole life in tar. Always something to hold me back, my mom, Joe, my job and Ranger. He always said he would let me fly, but he had made me not want to fly. Now when I should, I couldn't remember how. He was probably screwing that blond bitches brain out in Miami, cowardly leaving someone else to clean his mess like always…

"Oh god, Tank!" I gasped.

"Don't worry. I texted him that I was going to stay the night with you." Lula answered soothingly.

"Does he know… about me? " I whispered, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. He would be so ashamed of me.'"No. I haven't told him anything. He came back with the core team a week ago and they all are worried. They haven't seen you and they don't know what to do. I convinced them to let me take care of you for a while. I mean, those guys are worse than mother hens. "

I smiled.

"And I thought you wouldn't want them to see you like this." Lula continued and took a bite of the sandwich she had made for herself.

"You're right." I said shaking the cup making rings appear on the surface. "He's like a brother to me and he's done so much for me."

"And you're his little sister so you can understand why he's so worried."

"I'm sorry." I whispered and looked up at Lula. She was smiling but I saw the sadness in her eyes as she looked at me. "I never meant to hurt so many. I deserve the pain but you don't. I'm sorry."

I looked around the kitchen and the mess I've made. Thank god that Joe still had Rex. I couldn't take care of him right now, I couldn't even take care of me right now for gods sakes.

"I was thinking that maybe we could clean a little today. At least clean the glass and then maybe look at your feet."

I glanced at my feet all covered in cuts and dried blood.

"Okay..." I said still looking at my feet. They looked bad but I didn't feel any pain. Well let's not talk about my missing heart, because that hurts, my feet not so much.

Lula took out a broom and garbage bags and we started working. There was glass everywhere, large pieces and dust. We worked silently filling a couple of bags with trash and glass. After we were done, we sat down on my bed. I glanced around and despair filled me.

"Lula I can't live here anymore." I said. "I can't live here within these walls, remembering all the memories. All the places where Ranger kissed me, all the places he lied to me…. The memories are just too much for me now. I need to get away and not come back."

Lula took my hand in hers; I greedily absorbed the warmth from her.

"Honey, I get that. I really do. Would you like to stay with me and Tank for a while, we could look for a new place for you. Maybe a fixer-upper? That way you would have something to do, like you wanted. It would be a great project for you, it would help you to let go of all the sadness and as a bonus you would get a gorgeous home. One of my mother's friends did that after she was raped and beaten and she found it helpful. It's just an idea though, you don't have to agree."

I liked the idea. It was strange because I've never really wanted that. DIY wasn't my cup of tea, but now fixing a house sounded like the greatest idea in the world. I could live with Lula and Tank, I knew them very well and I knew that I would be safe there. He had the best security system in the world, so I wouldn't have to push furniture against the doors.

"I would like too if that's okay with Tank as well…"

"Honey, he'll love to have you. I'm happy that you agreed so quickly but let's take care of some more urging things like your feet."

I nodded and climbed on the bed, my back against the headboard, tucking my robe tightly around me. Lula took my foot in her hand carefully. I could see that something wasn't right.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Honey, I can't help you with this, you've cut yourself bad. Would it be okay if I called Tank and Bobby?"

I thought it over. I felt nervous about them coming over but I trusted Lula. I nodded.

"Could we leave then as well?" I asked her. I didn't want to see these walls any longer than I had too.

"Sure thing! You sit there and look pretty and I'll make the call and pack a bag for you." Lula said and squeezed my calf. She picked up her phone and made the call.

"Hey darling!" she smiled as he picked up. "I'm at Stephanie's and I think that you and Bobby could pop by. Don't worry, boo, everything's fine. But tell Bobby to bring his pack with him. Everything's fine, Steph just has a few scrapes."

She hung up. "I mean that man is worse than my mother. One would imagine that he had a lot of estrogen in his body with all the nagging, but I know that that man is a man, if you know what I mean. But let's not talk about his measurements, let's get you packed!"

I didn't want to take much with me. I got dressed in comfy sweats and my dad's old T-shirt I used when I was down with the flu. I wanted to take a few shoes and my toiletries with me. I didn't want any clothes, knick knacks, nothing that could remind me of this life. As we had the last hair product bottle packed I heard a knock on the door. Sheer panic flooded me. What if it's him, what if he's here to break me down some more? The what-ifs filled my mind and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Honey, it's just Tank and Bobby. Don't worry; I'll go open the door. Are you sure that you want to have them here? I could send them back home." She asked me and rubbed my arms to calm me down. I nodded at her and wrapped my arms tighter around me and grabbed the blanket and covered myself from the world.

I heard the door open and Lula's voice muffled. I heard Tank say something and the door was closed. Footsteps. Lula popped her head into the bedroom.

"Tank and Bobby are here with me. Is it okay if they come in?"

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_Push the button and let me know okay? :D_


	3. Chapter 3

_Midsummer celebrations threw me off for a day, but don't you worry! I'm sober and updating! _

_I don't know what to say about this chapter, only that it's not in RPOV. I'm thinking that I might do this with only SPOV, we'll see how that turns out. And that this is a R/S story so no tank/steph parings here, they're just friends. And some of you might be confused to why Stephs emotions go up and down, but I know that my emotions did just that when I felt the most depressed. At one moment I was happy and quite content and the next I had the urge to cut myself. So yeah, I'm writing some of this with a base from my own emotions and struggles. :) Oh and this one is quite short as well, and includeds a few flashbacks :)_

_Hey, thanks for the reviews they keep me powered :) and sorry if I missed to reply to your review, I try to but sometimes I miss a few :)_

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Lula opened the door wide and I could feel their presence before I even saw them. Tank stepped in first and when he saw me I saw that many emotions flashed in his eyes. Worry, love and anxiety were the dominate ones. My breath caught in my throat and tears filled my eyes and he dropped his bag immediately and sat down on the bed, pulling me close letting me cry my heart out.

His heartbeat was stable and he whispered something in a foreign language in my ear. His large hands were stroking my back; my hands clutching his black t-shirt like my life depended on it. It felt good and familiar and I was calmed. He was one of the few whose touch could do that. The others were my dad, Bobby, Lester and Ranger. Only he wouldn't be touching me anymore. I remembered the first time Tank hugged me.

* * *

_I was walking towards my car only minutes ago I had captured and brought in Ronald Dale, a wife-beater and got my check from Connie. I was happy I could pay my rent and I was going to celebrate with a Boston Crème, or two. With a smile on my face and a huge check in my hand I walked towards my car. In a second everything changed._

_Next thing I knew was that I'm sprawled on something hard and that people were talking to me. I could smell something burning and I could hear the firefighters. Best guess was that my car had exploded. Again. This time I couldn't just shrug this away. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I opened my eyes and looked into the paramedics eyes. He was saying something to me but I couldn't hear him, I was searching for somebody I knew. He stood there talking into a phone, probably updating Ranger who was out of town, tending to some business in Atlanta. _

"_Tank." I croaked. He looked at me and saw something that made him end his call without a word and sprint to me and engulf me in a hug. Immediately I knew that I was safe and that everything was going to be okay someway. His hug made me feel like I was home, just like my dad's embrace did when I fell off the roof._

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From that moment on we were friends. I've always liked Lester, not in a sexual way, and he was my best friend. He got me, always knew what to say. Tank on the other side was always there but was distant; he didn't make him seen like Lester did. But he had risen to the occasion and he became the big brother I always wanted and I'd become his little sister. He protected me, sometimes a bit over the top, and made me laugh. He was my brother, I didn't care about that we weren't related, he was more of a sibling that Valerie ever was.

* * *

I had my face mashed into his chest and I could smell him like so many times before. My tears had dried but I kept on holding him. My hiccups were quieter and everybody in the room was as well. I could feel that they were watching me but I felt too ashamed to even look at them. I didn't know why I had busted into tears as I saw him and I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes. I was damaged and I didn't want anybody else to try to rescue me this time. This was my battle to fight, not theirs.

"Hey, Steph." I heard Bobby's voice and I peaked between our arms and saw him standing before the bed and lean down to see me better. He had a smile on his face, pity in his eyes. I couldn't take that they pitied me; I was foolish to think that Ranger loved me. I was the one who was too blind to see what the others thought. "Could I look at you feet?"

I couldn't answer him; I just stared blankly at him. I saw some emotion flash in his eyes and face before he composed himself and smiled encouragely at me. I didn't move a muscle. I saw him battling with himself and then move to the bed and felt him take one of my feet into his lap, poking and prodding. I almost didn't hear his gasps and sighs as I was too engulfed in my mind.

* * *

"_Tank brought me to RangeMan after the blast, because I refused to ride to the hospital. I knew that Bobby would take care of me. The ride was quiet; I was pressing a bandage over my forehead, trying to stop the blood flow. It was just a small cut, but head wounds bleed a lot, trust me I have experience. The silence wasn't overpowering at all, I was comfortable in the silence. Ranger was away, if he wouldn't be I would be riding with him not with Tank._

_We pulled in at Rangeman and got into the elevator and rode to the third floor where Bobby had his office. He was waiting at me at the elevator and smiled at me when the doors opened._

"_It wasn't my fault." I said and Bobby laughed._

"_It never is." He commented and led the way to his examination room. I sat on the bed and Bobby went to work, cleaning and stitching the wound. He made small talk and Tank was standing at the door. I laughed at his stories and before I knew it he was done and I was told to get some rest. I was a bit sad that Ranger wasn't here, he usually was and would drive me to TastyCakes and then home. Then he would kiss me and leave me all hot and bothered._

* * *

I'd become quite close to Bobby because I was such an incompetent idiot, trying to do a job that I couldn't do. So I spent a lot of time sitting in his office getting patched up with one or two merry men looking over me before Ranger showed up to lie to me about he cared about my well being. AS if he cared. AS if he never did, I couldn't believe how I could've been so stupid back then and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he said the magic words. I'd been such an idiot, smiling and feeling content when he was around, saving me from myself. But guess what, now he was gone, and if somebody asked me he wasn't coming back. No matter how my missing heart would've cried I'd made my decision. He wasn't going to hurt me anymore; I was broken and couldn't be fixed. If I was going to rise from this, I wouldn't let him break me down again. I wasn't going to beg him to love me anymore. What is done, that can't be erased.

I could feel that Tank was talking to somebody, his chest rumbled underneath my cheek. I snapped out of my thoughts and lifted my head from Tanks embrace. Bobby had bandaged both of my feet and I could see a pile of glass on a bloody towel underneath my feet. He put the last piece of tape on my left foot and looked me in the eye. I could see anger, worry, pity and sadness in his eyes.

"Want to explain how your feet got to this state?" he asked me and threw away his gloves and tidied the bed.

"There was glass on the floor." I answered and looked at Lula who was standing in the doorway. She was holding my bag in her hand. "Can we go?" I asked her, not daring to look at either of guys, I knew that they were angry with me.

"Sure, let's go." She said to the guys and I stood up before they got the chance to offer to carry me.

"Stephanie you can't walk with your feet in that condition!" I heard Bobby gasp from behind me and I moved out of his reach walking out of the room.

"Watch me." I said and flicked the lights of as I walked out of the apartment, not feeling any pain at all.

"Honey don't." I heard Lula say to Tank behind me. "She's on an edge, don't push her."

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_Thoughts? Press the button and make me a very happy woman :)_


	4. Chapter 4

**T'was the 26 of June and my birthday so instead of writing/uploading this chapter I ate cake. And gained almost two pounds. So no more cake or sweets for me and more writing instead.**

**My email is fcking with me and refuses to let me respond to your reviews, so instead of losing the last bits of my nerves, I decided to thank you here. I'm thinking of doing a Ranger POV chapter in the future, BUT as I'm lousy with his POV I might do it later on, when Steph gets her grove back :) And oh, this one has falshbacks as well :)**

**So thanks and hope you continue to read this story :) Love you all!**

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The ride to Lula's and Tank's was quiet. Tank was driving; he slipped into his own zone just minutes after we left the parking lot. If you didn't know Tank you wouldn't have seen that something was troubling him, and that the something was me. I hated to see him worry over me, I was a grown woman and I could take care of me myself. Lula was riding shotgun, she was twisting her hands like she was nervous. Probably the cause of this was me again. Bobby was looking out of the window, sitting next to me with his medical bag in between us. Guess he wanted some distance from me, and I couldn't blame him. I was damaged, hurt, cut into pieces, contaminated with Ranger's false love.

He had said it so many times. So many times, and I refused to listen. He had said that he didn't love me, he just wanted to fuck me but I was stubborn and tried to change him. Tried so hard to change him, heal him make him happy again. What an idiot I was, trying to do the impossible. He was too far away for me to rescue him, he had seen too much. My love couldn't heal him; instead it just ripped me apart. Oh the irony.

The scenery changed slowly outside the car windows. I could see the woman staring at me in the reflection on the window. She was empty, no soul in her eyes. She was scary. I traced her featured with my eyes, not focusing on the scenery. She had lost a lot of weight, her cheekbones glaring angrily at me, her lips dry and I couldn't help but to lick my own lips. Lula was still drumming with her fingers, the noise pounding in my head. The eyes continued to stare at me, making me so uncomfortable that I was ready to open the door and jump out any second.

The car stopped and I looked up and saw that we were at Lula's and Tank's summer cottage. I opened the door and my feet sank into the white sand, the warmth seeping into me from every direction. A sound escaped my throat, I didn't know if it was a sob, giggle or gasp and I really didn't care. The sound of the waves brought back memories from happier times, from times without any worry. Times with my grandpa.

* * *

"Come_ on grandpa!" I yelled as I ran through the sand, the sound of the carnival and the sea making me dizzy, the smells making me ecstatic. I looked behind me and saw that my grandpa was running towards me, holding his hat in his hand, laughing. His face was wrinkly, the laughter enhancing the lines. He got up to me and picked me up and spun me around a few times. I let out a scream that soon turned into a manic laughter. Tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks as he let me down. I was jumping, up and down, around him too excited to stand still. "Come on grandpa, let's go see the merry go round! Mary Lou said that it's bigger than last year!"_

"_Sure thing, Butterfly! But I want some cotton candy first" he said to me and winked, and took my little hand into his large one. His hand was warm as always and I squeezed it tightly. _

"_I want some cotton candy as well!" I giggled and tugged his hand to make him walk faster. I liked cotton candy. It was like eating a cloud. _

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"Stephanie?" Lula asked behind me bringing me back to this day. A single salty tear ran down my face, I wasn't sure if it was a happy or sad tear. I turned around and saw that they were all out of the car, looking at me worried. Lula had taken a few steps toward me but was still standing on the driveway. I looked down and saw that I had walked towards the sea a bit, the whiteness of the bandages standing out against the sand. I wiggled my toes, burying the deeper into the warm sand. "We'll go inside now. You can come or stay. Feel free to do anything you like, remember that we'll always be here for you if you like to talk."

I nodded, Lula smiled to me and picked up her purse and walked up to the house. I watched Tank nod at me and Bobby take one last look at my feet, then I turned around and faced the sea, starting to walk towards the raging waves. I'd always loved the sea. Even though I had almost drowned one time when I was a child.

* * *

_The sun was blazing above me and I could feel it on my skin. I was building a sandcastle near the sea, laughing and making a huge mess. I looked over at Valerie who was also building a castle but higher up the beach, she was making the perfect towers with buckets as I was forming them by hand. She had found some seashells and had used them to make it pretty. I had found some stones and seaweed that I had used for the same thing. Her face was frowned as she was trying to make the castle prettier. I looked at her and couldn't understand why she wasn't having fun. I stood up and pretended to be a giant and hopped on the castle and smashed it while I was laughing like no other. _

_I could see that my mother disapproved what I was doing but my dad and my grandpa were laughing with me. I waved at them and waded out at the sea. The water was cool but I liked it because it was so hot. When the water hit my knees, I sat down at the bottom, looking out at the vast sea. It never ends the sea you know? When I grew up I wanted to swim over to the other side of the sea if there was an other side. I would swim with the dolphins and turtles and be a mermaid. _

_I felt something touch my foot and saw a little fish looking at me. I slowly extended my arm and reached out to touch the fish but it got scared and swam away. I put my heads underwater and opened my eyes to try to see the fish. The water was blue and the sand was brown. I couldn't see the fish no matter where I looked. I was sad, I didn't mean to scare him I had just wanted to touch him. Mary Lou said that fish feel weird. She had a goldfish and she used to pet him. I wanted a fish too but my mom wouldn't let me have one. Where were the fishes?_

_Suddenly I realized that the sea had taken me further out and that I couldn't reach to the bottom anymore. As I started to panic I felt strong hands grab me and lift me out of the water. I looked around and saw that it was my grandpa how had jumped in and rescued me. He had his hat still on. _

"_What were you doing Butterfly?" he asked me as he carried me back to the beach._

"_I was trying to see the fish grandpa! But they got scared even though I didn't mean to scare them." I said to him and touched his cheek. "I didn't mean to"_

"_I know you didn't, I know you didn't but promise me that you won't do it again. Bad things could've happened. "He said to me as he put me down on the sand again, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. It felt nice._

"_I promise. I don't want to scare you grandpa, I'm sorry!"_

* * *

I snapped back to reality as the cold water hit my toes. I stopped and looked over the sea. It was a sunny day but it was early so the water hadn't warmed up yet. I stepped back and took my shirt off and tossed it on the sand. The wind from the sea made goose bumps on my skin as I threw my pants in the same pile. I stood completely naked in front of the mighty sea, my hair whipped by the wind. I stood there a while, hoping to get that feeling I did every time I stood in front of the sea. Disappointed that I didn't get that feeling of rush and joy, I took a deep breath and step by step walked out into the sea's embrace. I stopped walking when the water was up to my neck, I stopped and stood still letting the water surround me. Then I slowly bend my knees and let my head go underwater to make my hair wet.

I'm not suicidal, I've never been. Maybe it's because of my upbringing or because of something else but I've never wanted to take my own life. Not even now. I stood up and brushed my hair out of my face and the water from my eyes. The waves made me hop around a bit but I loved the way the sea always made me welcome. When I grandpa died I spend more time in the pool than on dry land. The water has always had a power over me, it always calls me back.

I hopped up and stared swimming. I swam for a long time until I was completely worn out. I swam to shore and onto the beach. Somebody had brought me towels and a sandwich. I sat down on one of the towels and wrapped one around me as I took a bite out of the sandwich. The sea was calm and the sun was setting. After I had finished the sandwich I picked on my bandages. They were soaking wet and dirty as hell. I sighed as I realized that I should go up to the house and let Bobby change the bandages. With a heavy heart I turned my back to the sea and started to walk up to the house.

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_Pretty please?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Heya! I want to say thanks and that I'm very thankful of having you all as readers! Love you all!**

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Lula and Tank bought the beach house a few years ago when they settled down. It was located on the Atlantic coast a few miles away from a tiny town called Sea Island City, and was completely shielded from everything. The peace was surreal, the place so huge you couldn't even comprehend it.

The driveway was long and stretched from the electronic gates up to the beach house. The house was off white with eight windows visible, two huge on the first and third floor and four smaller ones on the second floor. The roof was made of red tiles and the window frames were in dark brown. There was a porch in the front with a swing. The front yard was plain, the grass mowed perfectly and the flowers were matching. It seemed to be the house of an older couple but Tank and Lula had made it too seem so, they wanted to conceal their identity as Tank had many enemies around the world and had wanted this house to be his and Lula sanctuary.

When you stepped through the huge front door you were amazed by the sheer size of the house. The hall was large and high, dark wooden floors stretched around the house and up the stairs to the second floor. The handrail was matching and the walls were white and filled with art. A huge painting of a waterfall was hanging on the wall opposite the stairs. The room was open and on the right you could see the library and office. The room was light and the furniture dark. The walls were in light green and the bookshelves filled with books and memories. I knew that Tank spend quite a lot of time there, his touch visible in the room. The rug was soft; I loved to sink my feet into it. Right now one of Tanks cats was stretched out on the little couch by the window enjoying the sunshine.

On the left side of the hall there was a dark door leading down to the cellar and the gym. There was also a pool stretching the length of the house down there. When you walked through the hall and underneath the stairs you got into the huge living room, kitchen and dining room. On the far right was the kitchen, light marble countertops and dark cupboards. The island was huge and held the sink and breakfast area. The chairs were metal and simple, often placed underneath the island. The leather on the seat was red and shiny. I knew that Lula loved those chairs. There was a huge window in the kitchen with the view of the sea and beach. In the middle of the room was the living room area. White couches were placed opposite of each other with a glass table in the between. There were always bright colored flowers on the table and more that often some kind of a book somebody was reading. Right now it was Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky. There were huge French doors leading out on the patio, the parasol was moving with the wind. It looked like there was a storm rising in the horizon. The dining room was plain, there was a wooden table that held twelve people and the chairs were in black leather. There was a centerpiece made of fresh flowers and fruit.

I entered the living room and saw that everybody were here already. Lula was sitting in the couch with a blanket, curled up and reading a Cosmopolitan. She smiled at me. I smiled back at her. Tank was cooking something in the kitchen and he was furiously chopping some carrots. I could see Bobby standing on the porch his back to us, clearly looking out at the sea.

I wrapped the towel tighter around me and patted into the kitchen and dragged a chair next to the stove and sat down. I liked looking at Tank when he was cooking because he seemed so relaxed then and I knew that he loved cooking. Besides I always got to taste everything so that was a bonus.

I noticed immediately that Tank wasn't relaxed this time. He was tense as he continued to chop away and the pile of carrots was growing. I bit my lip; I knew that he was upset because of me.

"Tank."

"Stephanie."

He was angry with me and I knew that I deserved it. I sighed and leaned back on the counter. I knew that I needed to tell him and I knew that he wasn't going to like it. And I knew that it was going to take a long time to get through the story. I also knew that I couldn't go through the story twice. I stood up and walked to the patio and stood beside Bobby for a moment. He too was tense and angry with me.

"I was terrified." He said suddenly to me but continued to look at the sea. The waves were angry as the hit the beach over and over again. I glanced at him, not understanding what he meant. "I was terrified that you wouldn't come up from the water again. I was halfway down the beach when you came up again."

"I'm sorry I scared you." I said to him and looked over at the kitchen where the pile of carrots was growing. "But I'm not suicidal. I'm going through a rough time right now but I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to you."

"It's good to hear that from you. Lula said that too. Wanna talk about the rough times?" He said and looked at me. I tried to smile but I knew that I failed miserably. I was going to bawl like a baby when I opened my mouth. Shit.

"No but I have to." I sighed and walked in with him following. I took a seat by the kitchen island and sat down. Bobby sat down on the other side and Tank stopped the chopping and sat down too. I opened my mouth and couldn't make the words come out. I probably looked like a fish as I sat there and opened and closed my mouth. Lula stood up from the couch, walked over and stood behind me, resting her hand on my shoulder.

"Start from the beginning." She said to me and squeezed my shoulder. I took a deep breath gathering my breath and thought.

"The 24th May I broke up with Joe. This time for good, we both knew that it wasn't going to work out and that it wasn't fair to either of us. He encouraged me to go to Rangers' and tell him that I love him. So taking the advice from my friend, I went. You weren't there, Binkie told me that Ranger would come soon and that I could wait at his apartment for him. So I waited and after a while he came. "

I took a deep breath as the emotions rolled over me. Hatred, anger, loathing and desperation rolled over me like the raging waves outside. I was looking down at my hands, not wanting to look up at the guys. Lula was silently massaging my shoulders; once again I loved the way it felt, life and warmth seeping into me.

"What happened?" Bobby asked and reached out and stopped me from twisting my hands. I stopped, froze almost and looked at his dark hand above my own. It looked like Ranger was holding my hand, and hated myself for loving the thought.

"He had a woman with him. A blond supermodel. And he said… "My voice broke down and I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. I closed them and slipped into denial, trying to get through this once again.

"What?" Tank said and I could hear that he was upset but was trying to conceal it from us. I knew better, we all knew better.

"He said that I was just one of his whores…" I whispered and hung my head as I heard the gasps and I could feel that Bobby was upset because of the tightening of his hand. The tears spilled over and stained my cheeks making them wet. The storm was raging outside as my tears fell down.

"That son of a bitch!" Tank said and I looked up just in time to see him punch the wall making a huge hole.

"I can't believe him…" Bobby muttered and took his hand away and ran it through his hair messing it up.

"Come here darling." Tank said and pulled me up against him, my cheek resting against his massive chest where I could hear his steady heartbeat. My heart wasn't beating, I didn't even know where it was but I cried and cried my eyes out against him. I clutched on as my life depended on it and didn't let go even if a bomb would explode. As my tears dried out and my hiccups stopped he made me look him in the eyes by lifting my chin with his finger.

"You listen to me now Stephanie. You are not a whore. You are one of the most amazing women I know, you are truly Wonder Woman. He's an asshole because he didn't see you the way you should be seen. You are beautiful, strong, independent and wise. You are everything anybody would want. It's not your loss. It's his. I swear to God I'm going to kill that bastard the moment I see him!"

"Tank. Please. Don't kill him." I whispered and looked down again. I couldn't see him in the eye anymore.

"Why? The bastard deserves everything we're going to give him." He said and held me at arm's length to see me better. I loathed myself for feeling this way and I hated to say it out loud.

"Because I think that I still love him."

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_You know I love to hear from you :)_


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the long pause but with new work schedule, work interviews and trips to see family my time has been filled. I hope you like this one though :)**

**I love reviews, I'm a total slut when it comes to reviews. I love you all who have been patient with me :)**

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I'm not going to think about him. I am _not_ going to think about him. At least I was going to try that this time. I was way out at the sea, the beach no longer visible to me. All I could see was the sea. The sea was calm today, and I could feel that it was going to rain. I loved swimming when it was raining. I took a deep breath and dived down, doing a somersault on the way down. I felt like a mermaid with my hair freely flowing around my face and my eyes were open, taking in the blueness of the sea. I felt strong as I kicked deeper, my legs kicking powerfully and my arms making large circles as I swam deeper and deeper into the ocean, letting the cold waves embrace me and make me feel right at home.

I flipped so that I was facing upwards, almost like I was sleeping in the water and relaxed. I closed my eyes and loved the feeling of slowly being lifted up towards the surface and the feeling of burning in my lungs was as sweet as honey. The urge to take a deep breath was huge but I remained limp as I got nearer and nearer the surface. Then my body broke the water and I was laying on the sea, greedily sucking in some oxygen. I opened my eyes and saw that dark clouds had moved in and shadowed the water. It was no longer blue, but now more green and brown. I relaxed on the surface and soon small droplets of water hit my face softly.

My thoughts washed away as the rain started to pour down on the earth, sea and me. I imagined how everybody rushed inside or cursed themselves on not taking their umbrella with them; how they would reluctantly hold the new newspaper they just bought over their heads and watch the ink go smudgy. How all the news would wash away, almost like they never happened. But among the crowd rushing there would be a small girl standing, twirling in the rain. Her laughter would disappear among the other sounds, the furious honking from the trucks, the curses and footsteps of the crowd. Her hands would stretch to the sky, her mouth would be open to try to catch as many drops as possible. She wasn't like everybody else. She knew that herself as well, she knew before her mother started to complain about it. She had always known.

The girl's mother would rush over, hysterically complaining about some flu and how she was going to get sick, bringing the girl's mood down. Her mother would take her arm and drag her to the car while she was trying to catch one more drop on her tongue. Her mother would stop and push her curls away from her face and sternly comment on her actions. She would try to ignore the words that sliced her apart but she couldn't. The words would shape her confidence; they would make it harder for her to trust someone.

Years later the girl would find herself alone. She was young, in her late teens. She watched her friends and their boyfriends and feel the envy rise inside her. She was the third, fifth and seventh wheel and she longed for that comfort her mother didn't give her. Her father was called away; she was his girl through and through. Yet she felt like he had betrayed her, and she hated herself for thinking that. He hadn't a choice, he hadn't abandoned them. But it felt like that. She was alone at the mercy of her mother's words.

The she met him. He told her pretty words, she bought every ounce of nearness he gave her. Then she gave herself for him even though she was afraid and knew that she probably shouldn't. The longing of comfort and closeness was overpowering. He took her and left. She was left alone and emptier that she had started with. She left like a shadow of her former self.

It took years for her to cope. She let her mother pressure her into marrying a man she didn't love. She did it only so her mother would approve her. She said she didn't need her approval but deep down she longed for just that. So she said I do, while her heart was screaming _I don't! _Like she already knew, the marriage didn't last. Her nearly mended heart broke, no shattered into small pieces and this time it took longer to mend it. Then the first guy showed up.

Her heart filled with love, not love for him but love for a new chance to make this work. She worked hard, oh so hard and yet she was unsuccessful. If she hadn't met _him _she would've made it work. But that day in that diner she knew that there was something larger meant for her. She wasn't meant to settle down and be okay with being a housewife. This man let her taste the rain again. As time flew by this feeling grew stronger, and the feelings for the other man grew smaller. She knew, they knew but still they continued with this game with her heart. And she knew that she was going to get burned. She knew but he didn't stop it. She loved the thought of _two _men loving her. She was drunk with the feeling of love and comfort. She had sought for this and finally found it. That was when the shit hit the fan and ruined everything.

Now the girl was alone. Neither of them loved her anymore. Sure, she had a few friends and she loved them but she longed for so much more than that. She wanted to taste the rain. She wanted to dance in the rain. She wanted to be a mermaid. But after all of these years, she had forgotten how.

The girl's salty tears mixed with the rain and the ever ending sea.

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I awoke when the sun shone down on me. Disoriented I sat up and sank deeper into the sea. I emerged from underneath the surface and gasped for breath. I pushed my hair away from my face and looked around. The sea had brought me closer to the shore I could see the house looming in the horizon. I realized that I had been here for quite a while, the sun was almost setting and my stomach made itself heard. I let out a small laugh and started to swim towards the shore. I loved the way the water felt around me as I sped towards the house. The thing I didn't like was the way my hair clung to my face after I stepped out of the comforting sea and into the cold world.

Today was no different. The hair clung tightly and I brushed it away stubbornly. My steps were light as I took my towel and wrapped around myself. The sand was warm underneath my toes and I sank down a bit, making it harder to walk but I loved that. It makes my body move in a way nothing else manages to make. It was the only time I felt sexy.

Enjoying the feeling I smiled. What was better than a day in the sea and walking on sand? As the sand ended so did my confidence. I clutched to the towel and tiptoed into the living room. Tank was in the kitchen with Lula. As I stepped in they both looked over and then resumed to what they were doing. I felt glad that they didn't bother me. Then I did something that surprised them.

"What's for dinner?"

Lula and Tank both smiled to me. "We're making homemade pizzas. I think they're ready in about a half an hour and then we thought that it would be nice to watch a movie together. What do you think?"

"That sounds good. Uhm, I'm going to go to take a shower and then I'll be down." I said and escaped the room before they started to talk to me more or that there would be an awkward silence. I ran up the stairs and walked right from the hall and entered the last door of the corridor.

This was my room. It had a large window facing the sea, and a balcony. The room itself was large, a queen-sized bed on the end wall, opposite the door. The covers were in petroleum blue and there was a huge pile of pillows on the bed. The bedside tables were in dark wood as was the frame of the bed. Above the bed hung a beautiful picture taken somewhere in the tropics, portraying a small island and turquoise water. The walls were off white and the floor in deep brown wood. There was a small round rug beside the bed and a large door opposite, beside the door. Through there was a beautiful bathroom in turquoise and blue. There was a bathtub and a shower and a large vanity in dark wood filled with my stuff. There was also a dark door leading to a walk in closet but it was almost empty as I had left almost all of my clothes back in Trenton.

I walked in and threw my bathing suit on the towel drier and stepped into the shower and turned the water on hot. As I was finished I think I had burned off some of my skin but I loved the feeling. I stepped out and decided to wear the sundress I had Lula buy to me a few days ago. It was in light blue and the straps were like ropes. I liked the nautical feel of the dress and felt good in it. I slipped the dress on and patted onto the balcony to let the wind dry some of my hair.

I had cut my hair shorter a few days after that we arrived. It was now a curly bob and shorter than I had ever had but I liked it. It brought out my cheekbones and made me look thinner than I had ever looked. I had lost 22 pounds and I was leaner than I had ever been thanks to the non-stop swimming. I looked good on the outside but not on the inside. I was a mess inside.

As I stood there leaning out I heard a car drive up to the driveway. I could see the driveway from my balcony and even thought I was filled with fear of who the visitor might be my curiosity kept me there. The car was black but that didn't tell me anything. The driver stopped the car and stepped out and my heart stopped. Even though his hair was shorter I knew those shoulders and arms. He turned around and took his sunglasses of and looked directly at me. My heart raced and my arms gripped the handrail so hard that I think I broke something.

We were both paralyzed.

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_Thoughts?_


	7. Chapter 7

**You're in for a treat babes! I'm on a roll and decided to give you this chapter as you all practically begged me to :D **

**It's quite short as I didn't know how to continue this without a new chapter. Hope you like this one :)**

**Love the reviews, but more than that I love you.**

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I couldn't believe my eyes. And neither could he. It was like the world got really quiet and still as we stood there paralyzed and just stared at each other's. He looked thinner, his cargoes didn't fit him as well as they had and his face was more defined. I also noticed that he had hurt his arm, the white bandage standing out against the black and his skin. He had a cut on his cheek. I longed to feel his touch, the tingling in my neck was excruciating to experience. I wasn't ready for this. My body shaked and I struggled to stand as my feet started to give in underneath me.

His eyes were hard. I think mine weren't. Time stood still.

He moved first. He lowered his arm and took a cautious step forward. As he moved closer, I felt the urge to take a step backwards and I did. We timed ourselves perfectly. He took a step forward, I took a step backwards. Something changed in his eyes and he stopped. He looked defeated where he stood beside his black and perfect car. Something was glowing from his eyes but I couldn't understand it. He stood with his arms hanging beside him, his posture not as sharp as I had remembered. I was shaking thirteen feet above him with my beach dress moving with the wind. The wind was also pulling my hair back, like it knew where I wanted to go.

A small bird landed on the hand rail. The bird was beautiful, with blue and white feathers. I couldn't remember its name, we had studied this in school but my mind was totally blank as I looked at the little and fragile bird. It stood still, looked at him and then at me. Pondering. Wonder if it knew? Time stood still. The bird let out a heartbreaking cry and flew away. Like it knew what I wanted to do. He stared at me, his eyes soft in the shade of molten chocolate. They were filled with raw emotions. I was hurting him. I hated myself for that. It wasn't up to me to hurt him. I could never intentionally hurt him like he had hurt me. I just couldn't.

A single tear ran down my cheek and dropped on the balcony floor. He opened his mouth.

"Babe." The single word was so powerful that it took my breath away. The single word was filled with so many tender feelings it felt like a pillow on my face. I looked at him and gasped, not being able to do this anymore. I was going to stop this torture. I turned around and rushed into my room, shutting the French doors, ran to my door and locked it. I wasn't going to let him in. Not anymore.

I was crying and sobbing hysterically as I gasped and shaked as I put my weight in and pushed the small cabinet in front of the door. When it was there I rushed and pulled the curtains to cover the window. I collapsed on the floor, rolling myself up as a tiny ball beside the bed. My nearly mended, recovered heart was torn apart once again by the same man. The man I love with all of my shredded pathetic heart.

_Whore. Whore. Whore. Some whore I picked up. Whore. Whore. Whore._

All I could think about was those small words. They say that _those_ three little words can turn your life upside down. I discovered that_ Whore_ worked better than _I love you_. The _I love you'_s were all lies. _Whore _was the truth. All I was, all I am, all I was going to be. At least he was honest. Breathing was hard and I struggled with it as a fish would do on dry land. I followed my instincts and crawled to the bathroom and into the bathtub. I laid there with my clothes on as I turned the hot water on, letting it slowly soak me.

The tingling in my neck was worse than it had been when we were okay. Now that I've been away from him for so long, it was like a sale for a shopaholic. Like offering heroin to a drug addict. The feeling was eating me up from the inside and I knew that not even avoiding him was going to soothe the wounds he left me with. A month away from him, and still it was like he ripped my heart away every time I thought about him, saw him, and saw anything I could relate with him. It was like my brains were trying to kill me slowly, torturing me every second of every hour of every day and night. I dreamed about him, I thought about him and I longed for him. Yet I was afraid. I wanted him, no more than that I wanted him to want me. And when I knew that he didn't and couldn't love me I couldn't let myself be ripped apart with every thought, feel, dream and kiss. This was the turning point. I was at a crossroad. I could stay or I could move on. My heart wanted me to give the guy one more chance but I wasn't sure if I could survive that. That encounter had made my fears true. He had broken me and I wasn't strong enough to even think about being in the same space as him.

_He broke me._

This tub wasn't going to do. I stepped out, water flying everywhere as I grabbed my towel and ran to the balcony. He wasn't outside anymore. I couldn't feel him anymore. I grabbed the handrail and threw myself down to the soft sandbank just underneath my balcony. I had done this so many times before, I wasn't afraid. All I could feel was the pull of the ocean. I landed on my feet and sprinted down the beach, not daring to look inside to make my suspicions true. He was inside.

My feet hit the sand with a rage I had never felt before. I was furious with myself for allowing him to see me, to talk to me and to invade my space. Lost was the feeling of sexiness, now my brain was filled with a red haze which made it harder for me to see or breathe. The sea was nearing and I threw my towel to my right and not stopping I took my dress away and I steered my steps on the long wooden pier. My feet hit the wood, making loud noises as I sprinted nearer and nearer the feeling of freedom. As I threw my hands above my head, getting ready for the dive I could hear a scream from the house but as soon as I had heard it I was underwater.

The blueness filled me and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I came up and took a breath and dove down again. Everything down here was so simple. Kick, stroke, kick, stroke. Nothing was complicated here, nothing changed. It hadn't changed and it wouldn't. There was that rock I cut my foot on the first time I swam here. There was the seaweed dancing with the currant. Like always. This was my home, this was my safe place from the world and the people in it. Nothing could touch me here. I wasn't going to let anybody invade this space, this space was mine and I was ready to fight for it. This was mine and nobody could take this away from me.

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_Thougths?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Yet another chapter! I'm afraid that I'm not going to post tomorrow (I think) as I am super busy (work, a trip to Helsinki and Ikea, going to a blood donation, book a time in a spa and buy coffee as it's so darn cheap right now!) :(**

**But enjoy this one and leave me a review as they totally make my day :)**

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I could tell by the darkening of the water that it was getting late. I looked upwards towards the surface and pondered whether I should sneak up to my room again. I was terrified that he might still be here and was waiting just around the corner. He wanted to talk to me, that much I knew. I also knew that I didn't want to talk _or_ listen to him. I decided not to go just yet. I kicked strongly and got up just to take a breath, and then I plummeted down towards the bottom of the sea once again. I had repeated this so many times that it felt totally normal. I stroked the rocks and took one in my hand to study it closer. The stone was granite and shaped like a miss formed heart. I stoked the ragged edge with my thumb. I closed my hand around it and kicked off the bottom and broke the surface.

There was a tiny rowboat near me. I spun around and just as I was heading back down I realized that the person rowing the boat was Tank. I stopped and waited for him to come closer. His strokes were calm but strong as he neared me. The sky was turning dark blue and I knew that there was only a few hours of sunlight left. The boat stopped beside me. Tank and I were silent for a few minutes, just moving with the small waves.

"He's gone." Tank said silently and looked at the house. I looked to and was mesmerized by the light coming from the large windows. I saw shadows move on the second and third floor. Bobby and Lula were getting ready to go to bed. This had happened a few times before, always when I was overly stressed, worried or angry. I lost my sense of time and as always Tank rowed out to get me.

"Good." I answered and looked up at the sky. It was colored in purples, pinks and light blues. There wasn't a cloud in sight. This would be the perfect night to wander on the boardwalk with someone. The thought ached in my heart but at the same time it angered me.

"I don't know why he was here in the first place." Tank continued and took out his knife and a piece of wood. One night when he came to pick me up he told me that his grandfather had taught him to carve and that he loved to do it but never found the time. So every night when he picked me up he talked to me about his day and carved. He didn't expect me to answer him and I thanked him for that. It was nice to hear him talk and not feel the pressure to answer. He knew what I wanted.

"I didn't know that he was here before he stormed through the front door ranting on about how he craved to see you. I was downstairs as I didn't expect anybody here. I have never seen him like that. He's always so composed so on-top of everything and there he was in our hall ranting and raving about you, about how he saw you and that how we should let him see you. That he had to explain things. It took both me and Bobby to hold him down 'til he relaxed again. We got him seated in the living room and started to tell him that it's not our business to get you to talk to him. There might have been some shoving and name calling, the later mostly from Lula. Then you decided to jump of your balcony. He almost died from fright. Served him right if you ask me."

Goddamn that moron! I was so furious with him that I didn't have words for it. My heart was swelling with the rage and it made it hard to breathe. How could he be so arrogant! How could he! Marching into Tank's home and acting like he ruled the world! And be afraid of me? He had no right! He gave all of his rights up the moment he uttered those words! He had no right! If he would still be here I would castrate him with my bare hands! That bastard!

"Guess he thought I was that same old fragile Stephanie he knew and betrayed. Thought that I would break with every step. I'm stronger than that and you know it and everybody else does too. Only he thinks that I'm a little glass girl, only made to be kept in a box. He tried to let me free but couldn't so instead he shattered me so that nobody else would get me either. He's such an obnoxious idiot! It was he who screamed wasn't it?" I half yelled and hit my fist against the wooden boat.

"You heard that? Yeah, he thought you might kill yourself. Ridiculous, I know. But I guess if one doesn't know you like we who are living with you do, that image of you running like you were possessed in your underwear on the pier ready to throw yourself off it might be scary. You've been here for over four hours honey. It's time for you to eat something and get some rest. I got a feeling that this might not be the last time we see him." Tank said and offered me his large hand. I took it and he lifted me into the boat. I sat down, took my towel and looked at Tank as he started to row back towards the shore. He looked tired and I felt guilty at causing this much pain to somebody I cared about.

"I'm so sorry Tank. I don't mean to burden you and Lula and Bobby. I can't stand with the thought that I would hurt you at all. That's why I didn't…" I stopped before I could say those words that I knew that would break his heart too. I couldn't bear to tell him that the reason that I wasn't suicidal was that I had tried.

That night in May I had stood in my kitchen with a knife in my hand the edge pressed against my stomach. I was crying and my hand shook violently, making a hole in my shirt. With a heavy heart and breathing I realized that I couldn't do that. I couldn't hurt my family and friends that way, I couldn't be so selfish. I thought about the thought of who would find me. I didn't want Lula, Joe or my mother sees me like that, laying in a pool of blood on my dirty kitchen floor. Or face the humiliation of not dying, the fear of surviving and having to face everybody in Trenton was huge.

Tank was looking at me strangely; he knew that I had almost let something slip out. He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment and then returned to rowing.

"You'll talk when you want to." He said and nodded at me. We relapsed into comfortable silence and soon I felt the boat touch the sand. I hopped off and dragged the boat up on the beach with Tank's help. The sun had almost set and the twilight was beautiful. This was my favorite time of day, I felt like my thoughts were the clearest during these few hours before night. I sighed and Tank wrapped his arm around me as we watched what was left of the sun disappear into the horizon. It felt nice to have him as company and share this moment with him. I felt almost at peace.

When the sun set it became cold very quickly. I shivered and Tank pulled me closer. I leaned into him.

"Let's go inside little girl. Are you hungry?"

"I'm always hungry." I responded and Tank chuckled. He led our steps up the stairs and through the patio and into the house and kitchen. He walked to the fridge as I flicked on some lights. The light illuminated the room beautifully, making the countertop glow. I sat down just as Tank pulled his head out of the fridge.

"I thought that we could make hot sandwiches, you okay with that?" He asked me with a smile. He knew that I loved his hot sandwiches.

"I'd love to." I said and smiled back at him.

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_You know what to do :)_


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry about the relay, I've been so, so busy it's not even funny anymore. But I hope you like this one anyways and don't hate me for abandoning you. **

**And once again, I love you and your thoughts and comments. Keep them commin' girls!**

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I walked downstairs with my hair still wet from the shower and dressed in jeans and a simple black t-shirt. I felt quite happy today for some reason, like I knew that something major, in a good way, was going to happen. It was early but I knew that almost everybody would be up by now. Like I had thought, both Bobby and Tank were in the kitchen making breakfast and talking in hushed voices. They looked up when they saw me and smiled broadly.

"Hey little girl!" Tank said and poured some juice into a glass. "Did you sleep well?"

I walked into the kitchen and sat down by the island. Immediately there was a sandwich and juice in front of me. I took a bite out of the sandwich.

"Actually I slept quite well." I said as they both sat down and dug into their breakfast. They both looked a bit surprised but glad at the same time. I hadn't slept well since May, and to be able to sleep the whole night was surprisingly refreshing.

"That's wonderful news honey." Bobby said and smiled broadly. "I want to hug you, but I don't want to invade your privacy."

I laughed and walked around the island and wrapped my arms around him surprising everybody. I felt cheerful today and wanted to share it with them. It felt nice to hug somebody; I had avoided body contact for this whole time. I hoped that this happiness would last longer, that the darkness would perhaps be behind me for good.

"Actually Tank," I said as I released Bobby from me and sat back down. "I want to talk to you about this house."

"Sure thing. What's on your mind?" He said and sat down next to me. He looked happy with my progress and I liked that for once I helped him cope instead of hurting him. He took one of my hands into his and smiled to encourage me.

"I was wondering how you found this diamond?" I asked and took a sip out of my juice. "I don't know I Lula told you about the plan, about me finding a new house that I could renovate to my taste."

"Sure she told me about that and I have been thinking about that for a long time now. I think that it's a good idea and I want to help you make that dream come true. The realtor we used was great, his name is Rob Callahan and he and I went to the army together. He's a great guy. Do you want me to call him and invite him over?"

I stared at him and wonder. This was the most I've ever heard him say in one breath. I shook my head to get rid of the confusion and smiled. I loved that he was on top of everything.

"Okay. That sounds fine. I love you, you know that right?"

"And I love you." he responded and kissed my forehead as he got up and went out into his office to make the call. I finished my sandwich as Bobby cleared the kitchen. He too, looked happy.

"I'm so glad that you're willing to take a step forward. I've seen too many men and women just stop and dwell in misery the rest of their lives. Buying a house sounds great, but do you really have the money to do that?" He said to me as he set the juice back into the fridge.

"I happy that you're happy but you don't need to worry about that. When my granddad died he left me a huge amount of money. Even my mother doesn't know about this, only me and my grandma and my dad know. He had won the lottery and wanted me to live the life I wanted without the stress of not having the money to do it."

"Wow Steph, I had no idea. I'm happy for you and I want you to know that I'm here for you, always. And I promise I'll help out at the house too if you only let me."

"I would love to have you help me. I'm a bit scared that I'm biting more than I can chew. What if I blow this too?" I said and stood up and walked to the kitchen window. The ocean was calm today, a calm before the storm. I hoped that this wasn't an omen of any kind.

"I'm sure you can handle this. And if you struggle, we'll be here for you." Bobby said and wrapped his hand around my waist. We stood there looking at the view.

"I miss Lester." I said to break the silence. He was out of state and I missed him terribly. He couldn't call us and vice versa but I knew that he was okay.

"I miss him too, but what I've been hearing is that he'll be heading back in a few weeks. He'll be here the moment he lands." Bobby said and hugged me tighter. Lester had no idea of what had happened and I feared that the moment he heard he was going to hurt somebody. Bad. Probably Ranger.

Tank walked back into the room and we turned around. He looked happy.

"Rob is heading this way as we speak. He wants to meet you personally to really understand what you are looking for. If you two make coffee and set the table, I think there might be cinnamon rolls too, and I'll go wake Lula. I know she would kill me if she missed this." he said with a laugh as he turned around and ran up the stairs.

We headed back into the kitchen and I found the rolls as Bobby turned the radio on. It suddenly felt very homey. I was wondering which set of cups I should take as Lula and Tank made their way down. As they stepped down from the stairs the doorbell rang.

I quickly sat the white ones down on the table as voices were heard from the hall. I looked up as one of the most gorgeous men walked into the room. He was very tall, very dark and very athletic. He was wearing a suit but it suited him very well, and did not look over the top on him. He smiled broadly as he took three large strides across the room and extended his hand towards me.

I shook his hand and couldn't help but to smile at him. He was taller now that he was close to me and I have to admit that he smelled unbelievably good.

"You must be Stephanie." he said and I was mesmerized by his southern accent.

"Please call me Steph." I said and couldn't help but to smile back at him.

"Okay, Steph. Let's sit down and talk about a house, darling."

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**What do you think?**


	10. Chapter 10

**Its the chapter everybody has been yearning for! It's RPOV!**

**I don't like to write RPOV but I hope you like it!**

**Keep the reviews coming, I want to hear from you!**

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**_RPOV_**

It's been 85 days. Eighty-five very long, very painful days since_ that_ night in May. Eighty-five days filled with more emotions that I could name or even say I've experienced before. Eighty-five days when I felt apathetic, depressed, disappointed, discouraged, embarrassed, exhausted, fearful, frustrated, guilty with a capital g, helpless, humiliated, lonely, miserable, pained, regretful, sad, sorry and withdrawn. The guilt and regret was eating me up from the inside. Eighty-five days. Oh god, how my actions killed everything. How that single night had destroyed everything I ever loved and yearned for. How my selfish actions had made, not only my, but Stephanie's world to come down as well. I was a monster, a low creature not worthy a second glance. I hated my own guts probably more than anybody else.

So here I was sitting at Jones, a bar down by the harbor in Newark. A glass of whiskey was as empty as my soul, my fingers making lazy circles around the edge like those circles I used to draw on her skin those perfect nights.

"One more!" I slurred to the bartender who emerged from the shadows behind the bar. Without a word he poured me another one, handed it to me and watched me pour it down my throat. I slammed it down on the bar and hung my head as the burn of the alcohol ripped my body apart. "One more."

"So, who is she?" the bartender said to me as he sat down one more drink in front of me. He proceeded to wipe some glasses with a dirty old wipe."There's only one reason why a guy comes here and drinks like that and ignores everybody else in the room."

"That's none of your business." I answered and twirled the liquid in the glass. I chugged it down, stood up and placed a few bills on the table and proceeded to wobble out of the bar and onto the street outside. My brother lends me his house as he was in Mexico, sipping margaritas on the beach. Lucky bastard. I put my hood on my head and stuck my hands down into my pockets. The night was chilly and the wind blowed hard from the sea.

The street was empty and I didn't expect anything else. At two AM on a Tuesday there wasn't really anybody out of bed. I on the other hand hated to sleep. My mind had decided that it would replay that night every night in my sleep. Her face was burned into my eyes, every time I closed them I saw her, I saw her heart break. And I hated myself for that.

My steps echoed from the houses facing the street. Only a block away and the wind shook my core. All the stores were silent and empty and dark and the lights from the street made them into huge mirrors. I hated my reflection and averted my eyes to my feet. Shivering, I reached the door and fumbled with the key. The large door had a window made of frosted glass but I could still see myself in the reflection.

Underneath the hood was a man with overgrown hair that hadn't been combed in days. His beard was overgrown too, making his dark skin appear darker and more menacing. His eyes were empty, glaring at anybody who dared to cast a glance at him.

Angrily I pushed the door open and entered the dark house. I kicked off my shoes and jacket as I made my way to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and grabbed a beer. I sat down on the couch and flicked the TV on. The light blinded me and I closed my eyes only to quickly open them again as I saw her eyes in front of mine.

I drank the beer as I searched for something to drown my thoughts out. I settled on an old war movie which I've already seen but I didn't have the energy to search for something else. The sounds of machineguns blasting away filled the house as I chugged the beer down.

* * *

"_I have a mission for you." The voice in the telephone said to me as my stomach filled with dread. I sat up in my bed and moved into the kitchen not to wake Stephanie up. She was sleeping soundly on her stomach with the sheet slung low so that I saw her back. Her hair was all over the place and a few minutes ago I was happier than I had ever been. _

"_Tell me." I answered and took a bottle of water out of the fridge. He began to tell me as I opened it and sat down on the counter. _

"_It's delicate mission and you're our best man for it. You probably know that our old friend Jack Hastings has been released from county jail. He's the member of a notorious new family making their way in New York. It's been brought to our attention that they're not only bringing family over from Greece, the rumor is that they're smuggling little girls as young as 4 to be distributed and I'm not talking about adoption. I want you to infiltrate into the family and give us the information that we need to bring these bastards down."_

_I felt sick as I heard the details he told me. If I had to choose the thing that disgusted and angered me most in the whole world was child abuse and pornography. The thought of these little girls ending up in the hands of sick men made me nauseous. _

"_I'll do it but I have a condition. This _will _be my last mission. I will not get any more of these late night calls."_

_He was silent at the other end of the line but I stood my ground. I wanted to be able to spend more time with Stephanie, let her get to know me._

"_It got to do with her, isn't it? Alright, I'll play along. This will be your last mission. Let's meet at the regular place and I'll have the info for you and some papers to sign."_

_He hung up on me and I let out a sigh I didn't know I was holding. This was going to be the last one. I wrote Stephanie a message that I would be in the wind for a while and got dressed. I exited the apartment and decided to walk to the park nearby. It was a warm night in May and the sun was already rising. I entered the park and walked towards the old man sitting on the park bench._

"_You're early." I said to him as I sat down. He chuckled and his beard shook._

"_I was in the neighborhood. Do you like my disguise?" he asked and looked over the park to see if somebody was listening._

"_I've seen it before."_

_He laughed and opened his briefcase and took out a stack of papers. I signed the ones that needed it and then he gave me a file._

"_The easiest way to infiltrate won't be the usual thug approach. I recommend that you flirt your way into the family. Your targets in your file. She's a bit younger than you and the daughter of the right-hand man. Good luck"_

_I opened the file and glanced at the photo. The woman was beautiful, she looked like model. Her blond hair was colored and her nails done. Her taste of clothes was expensive. She was not to my taste._

* * *

_After weeks of surveillance and flirting I finally got her to agree to go on a date with me. She was vain and stupid and she got to my nerves but I had to endure the night through. Her voice made my skin crawl and her stories bored me to death. I found myself thinking about my babe the whole night and I hated myself for having to do this but I reasoned that this was for us. After this we were free, we finally had the chance to get to know each other. I was going to make a huge move after this; I was going to tell her that I loved her. _

_We got into my car and I forced myself to kiss her and act along. I knew she wanted me and I knew that this was my chance to go forward. I let my hand set on her thigh as we drove through the city towards my place. She was japing on about something unimportant and I nodded along. All I could think about was Stephanie. _

_I drove into the garage and parked. She continued to talk as I scrambled the cameras and stepped into the elevator. I felt disgusted with what I was going to do but knew that here was no other way. _

_As soon as I opened the door I knew that things were going to FUBAR and fast. AS we entered the living room I saw Stephanie emerge from the bedroom holding on to a conditioner bottle. I knew that she had seen the products and clothes I had bought for the blond one; I didn't even remember her name right now, Eva? Ava?_

_"I left my conditioner here last time"_

_"Honey, who is this whore?" Eva/Ava asked me with laughter in her voice as she looked at Stephanie. Her tone made me want to rip her apart and throw her out of the window but I had to remember the girls. I forced myself to look at Stephanie with my blank face on as she called it and without missing a beat I answered her._

_"I have no idea babe. She's probably some whore I picked up from Stark before I met you."_

_I died. I didn't mean those words but I couldn't say it to her without blowing my cover. I hated myself; I had torn her apart and had no chance of repairing the damage. Ina heartbeat my life changed irrevocably. _

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_The mission ended in success, and the girls were rescued. I should feel happy but I felt horrible. I hoped it wasn't too late, but I feared it might be. I went to her apartment to talk to her but she wasn't there and after a long search I found nothing. I felt hollow and empty as I realized that it was over. The woman I loved hated me. _

_So it came as a shock a few weeks later when I went to deliver some papers to Tank at his beach house that I saw her standing in the balcony. The moment was never ending. I yearned for her touch but she moved away from me every step I took. I hated to see the fear and hatred in her eyes as she looked at me for the last time and ran into her room._

_What happened next, I'm not proud of and have very little recolection of. I lost my mind and went crazy. My heart stopped when she hopped from the balcony and somebody screamed. I was told later that it was me. I hated to see her in pieces but hated myself more because I knew that I was the blame. _

_After I got home after that ordeal it was all downhill. I found a friend in Jack Daniels as I tried to drown my anger and guilt. _

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_Thoughts?  
_


	11. Chapter 11

_Hey, I'm back! At least for a while. It's been so freaking busy it's not even funny anymore. I've got my matriculation exams, school, work and a few courses on the 'net. And has been on a vacation. That sucks. _

_Well enjoy this one :) _

_Thanks for the kind words and reviews. I love them and you._

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sPOV

Click. Scroll. Click.

I was lying in the bed leaning on the headboard with my laptop on my thighs with the balcony doors open letting the wind flow freely into my room. The curtains were moving along the wind and I could smell the sea and the smell of barbeque. Tank was grilling today and I could feel my stomach growl to the smell of chicken and beef. It was getting late; the summer was setting and painting my white walls with shades of orange and pink.

I resumed to what I was doing, which was shopping online. I hadn't been outside the safeness of this house since I arrived and I was in need of new clothes. I had a grand closet with only a few shirts and bikinis. I'd been saving some money ever since I could remember and I had a significant number on my bank account. I've been saving for a really bad day, and I thought I'd use them now. The realtor had promised me to look for that special place for me and I would save the money my grandpa had left for me for the renovation and decorating.

Click. Another bathing suit flew to the shopping basket. I sighed as I looked over what I had there. Three bikinis and bathing suits, four jeans and two skirts, four t-shirts and one jumper. I clicked send and got the information that my package would arrive in five days.

"Stephanie, could you come down please?" was heard from downstairs. Curiously I patted down the hall and peaked down the stairs. It was Lester who was standing in the middle of the downstairs hall. I squealed and ran down the stairs and hopped onto his back.

"Honey!" he laughed and span around trying to see me but I was still holding on to his back like a leach.

"I'm so happy you're here at last!" I said to him. "I've missed you terribly!"

"I've missed you to. Now would you please let me hug you?" he laughed and I hopped off his back. He turned around and I could see that he could see that something wasn't right.

"It's been a weird couple of months." I said to him and he nodded. I knew that he knew that I wouldn't tell him more than that right now. He shook that away and picked me up in a bear hug and twirled me around the house. We were both laughing so hard that we were crying and for a moment I was the happiest woman on the planet.

We sat down at the dinner table and started eating. Lester was eating like a horse and making a mess everywhere like I'd imagined. He didn't question my lack of appetite. I was eating way less than the last time he saw me. The conversation flowed freely like in the old days at Pino's and I liked hearing them talk. I wasn't much of a talker, I loved to listen. Still I couldn't stop my thoughts wandering off to Ranger, what he was doing right now, if the woman was there with him. Then my thoughts would slide into the pit of self-loathing and pity. Then anger and confusion would follow and then I was close to tears.

* * *

After dinner I stood on the balcony looking out at the horizon. I was deep in thoughts; I couldn't really see or hear anything. The sea was black and stretched so far that it blended with the sky. The beach was untouched, only a few seagulls sat on a rock by the shore. It was totally silent. Only light footsteps could be heard from the bedroom beside me where I knew Lester was staying this night. I suppressed a sigh and leaned on the rail.

The darkness was always there. It had its cold fingers on my shoulder every moment of every day. I wrapped my hands around me trying to shield myself from the truth. Like the darkness I would be alone for the rest of my life, creeping around those I cared bringing them all of my issues and problems, being a burden for them. I was the broken one, the one who everybody felt sorry for and tiptoed around. I was the contagious one, the one whose touch could break you too. I was the twisted one, the pathetic one, the one who imagines things. I was all of that, and there wasn't anybody who could fix me anymore.

There wasn't a way out; there wasn't a way to heal. Not here, not anywhere. Everything hurts, everybody hurts and it was all because of my naivety. Silly me, how could I imagine love? Love doesn't exist it's just a myth to keep you bumbling around and buying stuff. Silly me, how could I be fooled. I've been raised better than that. I should be ashamed.

And if believing in love wasn't enough, I believe that _he loved me!_ Silly me, silly stupid little girl. Men don't love girls like you. I'm only worth for what's under my skirt. I gave that away for free and expected him to love me. I was stupid, just a trophy to put on your shelf to be never looked at again. Silly me, believing the fairytales. I thought I was the princess and he was the prince. Turns out that he was the prince but I was the gnome in the garden. I was the easy fuck; I was the last desperate call when nobody else answers. I was the bumbling idiot.

What am I to expect greatness, the happy ending or at least a name? Who am I to believe? To wish or to beg? I am worthless to him, and yet I crave him so much. What a pathetic loser I am. Aim for the moon and expect a long fall back to earth.

I wiped a salty tear away from my cheek and rested my head in my hands. How could I be so goddamn blind? How didn't I see the smug smiles, the laughter behind my back, and the unwillingness of him? Had I been so lousy in bed that I resembled a whore? Wasn't I any good? I do have some extra weight, some sagginess and it's been a while since I worked out or ate properly. Wasn't I pretty? I was some ugly charity case he forced himself to fuck. Silly me for thinking that I was someone, _something _important.

I turned around and with heavy steps walked in, closed the doors and the curtains. The room was illuminated by my laptop still on the bed. I sat down in the chair by the windows with my laptop. Time to research some personal trainers. Maybe someday I would be worth something.

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_Well? There will be more Lester in the next chapter :)_


	12. Chapter 12

_Hey guys It's been a while and I'm afraid that my schedule is as packed as ever. So I'm going to keep posting and writing whenever I have a spare moment. Hopefully I'll get this story moving forward soon._

_Thanks for all the reviews; I hope you know I'm addicted to them!_

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It's been about three weeks since Lester returned home. He stayed only for a few weeks and then he had to go back to Newark because his nephew had fallen ill. I never stop being surprised how gentle and thoughtful these guys are. They really do care. They care about friends and family and I've noticed how their way of thinking is rubbing on me as well. I care about Tank, Bobby, Lester and Lula, more than I can even start to express. They are the sun my world circles around. They offer the gravity to hold me in place and glued up.

I've been doing great, they told me this morning. That I was making progress. They had smiled and looked at me like I'd done something heroic like saving a few hundred children from a burning house. I had smiled and laughed even though I knew myself that I hadn't been making any progress except in hiding my misery. It wasn't their burden to carry. So I pretended to be happy and later on let the mask come of in the shower or in the bed before I fell asleep. It was exhausting to play the happy and cheerful Stephanie when she wasn't even around anymore. She was truly gone and she wasn't coming back. I'm pretty sure the cheerful Stephanie had died ages ago.

It was getting colder and wetter as rain punished the earth. It was fall, my favorite time of the year. It had never been my favorite but now, damaged and hated as the season itself I appreciated the fall. It comes back every year knowing that everybody hated it and only saw it as the end of a great time. The fall brings misery. I was miserable. It was like the weather understood me.

I was standing on my balcony during a heavy rainfall. I loved the feeling of rain washing away everything you are and are going to be. I smiled at the pitch black clouds and closed my eyes to let the rain punish me instead of the earth. I deserved it, the earth didn't.

My thoughts were disrupted by my phone ringing. With a sigh I returned to the warm room. My phone was vibrating on the bed. I picked it up and saw that it was my realtor.

"Hello Rob" I said as I sat down on the bed as brushed my wet hair out of my face. I hoped he had some good news for me.

"Hey Steph!" he answered and his deep southern drawl made me smile. "I have a few houses that we need to talk over, I've found some true gems!"

"That's great news! Oh, I'm so happy to hear that" I answered and was truly happy. I needed the space without Tank hovering like a mother hen.

"Could you come to this diner nearby today so that we could get this over with ASAP and get you that house?" He sounded as excited as I was and I was truly blessed for finding this man. I couldn't wait to see what he had found.

"Sure thing!" I said and glanced at the clock. It was nearly 11 am. "Could we meet for lunch? Is twelve o'clock too soon?"

"No, that's perfect. You might need to reserve the afternoon as well if we decide to go and see the places.

* * *

I was hyperventilating in the parking lot. I leaned in on the steering wheel and tried to take deep breathes but I felt the panic race through me. I didn't realize when I cruised off in this car that I hadn't been outside the house since May. The panic had hit me the moment I drove by a happy couple waving at me, their arms around each other. A little boy slept in the mother's arms and a girl was running through the green and lush garden in front of this little cottage with grey stone walls and ivy growing on the walls. The scene was idyllic and heartbreaking to me. It dawned to me that I may not have that; that happiness, that family or closeness. Ever.

"Pull yourself together!" The new inner me screamed at me. "Don't be a coward and loser! Get your ass up and go inside and greet your new life!" I sighed so heavily that I thought my ribs would break but luckily that didn't happen. I pulled my shoulders back and exited the car.

It was cold outside but I didn't have any winter clothes anymore. I found a pair of too large jeans that hung on me, a white t-shirt and a grey long cardigan. My wet hair was in a bun high up on my head but some loose strands framed my face. My flip-flops flopped on the asphalt as I walked inside the diner.

Nobody here knows you, I told myself as I scanned the room for Rob. I found him at the back of the room, sitting beside the huge windows. I hurried there and was greeted with a huge smile.

"I'm so happy you could come!" he smiled and I swear he almost hopped up and down like an excited five-year old boy. I found this extremely charming. Having been surrounded by expressionless guys for years, this made a great variation.

"I'm happy too!" I laughed and put my bag down beside me, took of my flip-flops and lifted my feet underneath me, making as comfortable as possible.

"I see you're making yourself comfortable" he said to me with a chuckle. "That's great because we're going to be here for a while. Do you want to order something?"

"I hear they have excellent hot chocolate" I said and signaled the waiter. "I know I'm a child" I laughed and he laughed with me.

After getting my huge cup of hot chocolate and he got his coffee we got down to business. He picked four folders from his briefcase and spread them on the table.

"Okay, so you wanted an old house that could be fixed up. The second thing you wanted was that the house should be by the beach. Am I right?" he said and took a sip of his coffee. I nodded and held my cup in my hands to keep them warm. God only knows how I yearn and need the warmth in my body.

I heard the door open and knew instantly who opened it. Cancel the warmth.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


End file.
